I am pregnant on paper. I may not be physically carrying a child but I feel pregnant.
Let me clarify. With my pregnancy with Leenie, all I thought about was being pregnant. It consumed my thoughts. I would find any excuse I could to talk about it. At the same time, I tried to be careful about not complaining since getting pregnant was difficult for us, I didn't want to come off as ungrateful. Side note: I did whine to my husband and immediate family.
But it's the same with adopting apparently. All I think about is Copeland and getting to him. I think about what I have to do after work. What papers need to be organized, notarized, what online course I'm going to sign up for. (We're required to have a certain number of hours of education for our home study.)
I think about what his personality will be like. Will I bond with him right away?
I also have the same thought with carrying a child as I do with adopting, the one where I won't believe it until the child is in my arms. When I was pregnant, each month of development was a milestone. The more she grew inside me brought us that much closer to her coming out healthy, God willing.
So with each paper that gets checked off the list, it brings us that much closer to our son. But until we are in country and the judge signs off, I can't fully believe it. I think it's my way of trying to protect myself from getting hurt.
My husband reminded me of Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
So my prayer to God is this, give me peace that my son will be taken care of until we can bring him home with us.
When I was pregnant it was very comforting to have my daughter inside of me. I could talk to her, feel her move.
If I want to feel close to Copeland, I pray. It's hard having him so far away, and just one little picture to look at. But soon enough, I will hold him, kiss his little hands and feet, breath him in and never let go.